They Remember What You Are

March 4, 2016

Well, here we are. Opens season 2016.

I am a week behind, as the first Open workout was released last Thursday and the second last night. I have to be honest and say that I actually, somewhere inside me, wasn’t sure if I wanted to compete in the Open this year. I didn’t sign up until the Monday before the first WOD was released. I would be lying if I said my ego had nothing to do with it. It certainly did. I know I am not where I was two years ago, the last time I competed in the Open. I had my best year that year. I felt amazing and had really honed in on most of the skills I needed to actually compete at a higher level at Regionals. Now, a year after having Z, I feel like I am struggling with things that use to come easy to me… in addition to the things that I have struggled with in the past. I was afraid. I didn’t want to put myself out there and look like a fool. I didn’t want to fail and I didn’t want to disappoint those in the gym that are constantly cheering me on. They expect something of me, or at least I feel like I am expected to perform a certain way.

I thought about it a lot. Then I got upset with myself that I had to think about it.  Why on earth did I have to think about it? I love the Open and CrossFit. I love to compete. I love to challenge myself. I want to be the best that I can be and push myself… how could I possibly do that if I bowed out because I was “afraid” that I was going to not do as well as I wanted to do. That is crazy talk. I have, in the 5 years  I have been doing CrossFit, talked to numerous people about not only doing the Open, but just being confident enough to believe in yourself to get through any workout, never mind walking into a CF Gym for a new beginning. You cannot get to B without passing through A. I cannot get to where I want to be without hitting all the same goals the second time that I did the first. In reality, I have already “won” just by signing up. My body has been through a lot in the last year… and its still changing. My mind has been through a lot in the last year… and its still changing. What can never change is how much I believe in myself. I know I can be and do whatever I put my mind to.

I have a new roll in life. I am a Mama. My “Little Monster” is a year old (can you believe it). Every day his mind is molding into the man he is going to become. Every time Hubs or I make a decision, every time we accomplish something, satisfy a goal, smile or laugh… he is watching and learning. However, those same eyes and ears are observing our hesitations, arguments and tears. It is so important to not only teach him to be a strong and confident man, but to show him that we are both strong and confident people. That even though there are struggles and tough times… and sometimes we have to take a step back and think things through… as long as we put our best foot forward and be the best we can be. We will not fail.  What kind of Mama would I be if I let my ego get in the way of doing something that I love?

We are two weeks in. I am pretty happy with my performance so far. I decided upon signing up that I was going to be “one and done” this year. Complete the workout at 5:30am on Friday morning and that’s that. While I am pushing as hard as I can to get the best score I can, I cannot put myself through the stresses of “do-overs” until I am satisfied, nor do I have the means to repeat even if I wanted to. I feel good about that. I am enjoying the competition this year. The Open feels FUN again. There is challenge, there is competition… but there is less pressure and stress for me. Not that training for Regionals in years past and really pushing and doing double sessions and what not wasn’t fun in years past, but I am at a different point in life right now. I have other commitments and priorities that come before getting back to the gym for a second session at night. My time is 5:30am. I love every minute of it… but I also love every minute of every night with my boy. I can have the best of both worlds and I am so thankful for that.

Three more workouts await for the 2016 Open. I am sure the “best” is yet to come. I am excited to see what the rest of the workouts are. I am excited to see what I can push myself to be capable of. I cant wait to be able to tell Z what I was doing when he was just a year old… and with any luck, I will still be doing it at that point!

I love being a roll model for my boy. I love watching him grow and explore!! Life is pretty awesome!!